Don't Twist the Dimmer Switch on Your Inner Light
My life today is not how I pictured it would look just a few months ago, but I will say in this season that we are going through, my personal relationship with God has never been stronger. No matter who else walks away or lets us down, He never will.
It's taken me a long time to get to a place where I can say this: God is not cruel. He is not punishing us, even if it feels like that sometimes. Not everything happens for a reason; sometimes it just happens. I mean, people are basically garbage, and we treat each other horribly. Our bodies are doomed to fail us, and those we love will hurt us. Crap just goes sideways sometimes.
The thing I have faith in is that the deepest darkness can be used by God to bring light into the world if we let it. Lately, my prayers usually go something like, "God, this sucks. It sucks so much, and I hate everything about it. I hold malice in my heart and that makes everything worse. I can see no upside, no design, no goodness or kindness or redemption in this sucky, sucky, suckdiggity thing. But here it is. It just is. And it makes me sad. It makes me angry. And it makes me want to retreat from the world or burn it all down. And I really hate that. God, can you please use this for something good? Can I please help?"
Good things don't always happen to good people. Sometimes good things happen to really crappy people, and shit storms of misery happen to fantastic human beings. It would be great if that weren't the case, but it is. What makes it worse is when good things happen to crappy people because they acted super douchey to get what they want because that sends the message out into the world that douchiness can be the road to prosperity.
I don't want to be a crappy person. Trust me, I have the potential to be the kind of crappy person who would win 8 gold medals and a 6-foot trophy at the Douchbaggary Olympics. There aren't enough laurels to rest on my potentially craptastic head. I know that I have friends reading this right now thinking, "She is not kidding. There is an abyss of space level darkness hiding in that short lady." I know that if I leaned into that part of myself, I could get things. Good things. Things I want desperately. All it would cost me is the potential to be the keyhole God uses to let in the light. If I could stop that up, I could do all the things to have all the things. It's a cost that all too many people are willing to pay. But not me. As much as I hate it right now, I'll stick with my prayer, "God, can you please use this for something good? Can I please help?"